Late night thinking

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I hate how I feel that if I don’t go to university, if I don’t do a particular job, if I don’t take a particular course that everything will not be okay.

I seriously have this whole life ahead of me yet I am so scared of not being okay, not being safe, not being happy that I have just completely debilitated myself. I feel like society has suppressed me so much, that I can’t even breathe. I get so anxious about the future and I am so worried all the fucking time.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Why can’t I just live and go with it and let things go where they need to go.

Instead I need to have certainty, I need safety, I need practicality and I need a plan.

Why can’t I just chase after all of these dreams and goals that I have? Why can’t I be exactly who it is that I genuinely want to be? Is it me or is it society that has forced me to be this way?? I can’t decide if it is just a genuine internal fear of my own or if some other external force is affecting the way I think and thus affecting my actions.

Love, 

Bella

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2 Comments

  1. YES! I understand this feeling completely. Nowadays if people don’t attend college, they’re looked at as if they’re crazy. I find it ridiculous that I have dreams and goals, but am too nervous to pursue them because society has told me I won’t succeed.

    Liked by 1 person

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